[28 Feb 2010|07:00pm]  Why fight? That will never do. Love? said the Commander.  14 | ♥

[08 Nov 2009|03:27pm] she's tall and only 92lbs, i :( ok ok ok ok cvs okayokayokay!!!wkdjgnjdkgnfjd. ♥

[08 Nov 2009|09:32am] I just crashed for 13 hours and that's less than a week after laughing at Justin for sleeping at 830pm. My voice still isn't quite back yet- it's in the trannie stage- and gosh I'm so tired I haven't studied the whole weekend and we're going to finish all the CVS lectures next week uh oh): but, my problems : God (not to scale). ♥

[07 Nov 2009|11:23am] 1) Stop the jealousy! 2) Study! 3) I miss my friends a lot. I keep imagining how when you're back we will go out and have fun and it'll be just like old times again.. (there's never a 'just like old times') The memories are so thick they're a wall smothering me and ploughing through them HERTZ. November is a month of lost potential. I'm here where there'll never be any frost and our dreams have melted, evaporated into the heat of reality and this grey everyday concrete haze. ♥

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance [06 Nov 2009|05:26pm] I've come to realize it's not possible to fall asleep during a lecture because it's boring, simply because there are no boring lectures! (That's my opinion anyway). So we/I fall asleep because of tiredness. I think I am happy where I am right now, but when I read about international affairs, my blood just comes alive. There is a whole world out there that we're at risk of overlooking (the mental picture of overlooking an entire world is ridiculously ironic) and I hope I keep this part of me alive. There are several constants in your identity that follow you throughout your life, even if the rest of your identity changes. This is one of them, or at least it has been thus far. I hope I don't lose it. This is like the analogy of the axe in Thud! (Pratchett). You replace the blade, then you replace another part, and you keep replacing bits of it until it's a completely different axe. But it's the same axe it's ever been all along. I have so many unread books waiting for me... and I cannot find my book about the Mossad. I wonder if the Mossad trawls the web looking for hits on "the Mossad".  R&B is open in front of me but I'm reading the Tehran Times instead. Where's YEREMY? :( P.S. I'm occasionally hit with exceptionally strong waves of gratitude at the fact that I have such good friends. While I may sometimes feel like (music swims back to me, anne sexton), I really am so grateful for the friends around me. It's amazing that I feel absolutely free around these people and that I am able to express any side of myself, from the arm-chewer, to the serious-focused individual, to the ditzy bimbo, the romantic dreaming in minor key. And these people are able to understand all these facets- or if they don't, they are at least able to connect. I am indeed really blessed. ♥

[04 Nov 2009|08:24pm] QUOTE(self, 2007) checkered squares and marble people, kings and queens of cold blows and pawns and knights on black and white horses and castles that fly.  there's no difference in being a pawn or a queen; neither knows the great masterplan. perhaps it's a matter of preferential sacrifice, but even this depends on the circumstance; what makes the most sense to do.  and cheshire cats, and caterpillars with hookas and mushrooms, and dollhouses and corridors to tumble down and seashores far-away with tweedledum and tweedledee and red and white queens and mock turtles and unicorns and jabberwockies and packs of assassin cards and, and a poker face will save you and your tongue will kill you and for all your life, sensibilities and logic turn themselves inside out and die, and and, if you wish, maybe, in this curious surreal subconscious level of your mind, there never is an end.  when you wake, into a dream, and you wake again, like the opening of an onion bulb, but outwards, spanning out, infinitely. UNQUOTE I speak using my own words because I have none left. And as one thus reduced to barely breathing basal needing (see Maslow's hierarchy; it shows to what depths we have descended, such devices), I can do nothing else. ♥

You will never get to the Castle. [01 Nov 2009|12:02am] My dearest K. You will die in the village. ♥

[31 Oct 2009|04:11pm] Why did you even have children? ♥

[29 Oct 2009|01:07pm]  school is making me fat. i actually ate the stuff i bought for my counsellor... =\ i'm so sorry steffi hahaha i won't do it next time!! Oink =\ i feel strangely indifferent despite the fact that the backlog seems to be growing... yumyum. waiting for my sister to come over now. ♥

[27 Oct 2009|07:58pm] ♥

[26 Oct 2009|01:33pm] I really think I'm an asexual individual with a penchant for inventing heart needs. There is indeed a core part of me that is always stable and capable of pulling back. (But this core bit does get sad when it comes to issues with friends). Things are always cyclical for me; I have a small but crucial degree of complete control over what I would call my heart. ♥

[24 Oct 2009|11:21am] !@#$%^! I'm majorly irritated that I'm home on a saturday and I have, ohmygoodness, no shopping buddies at all because they have so all gone overseas or disappeared or are busy $#%$^%&&^* I want to go to kino WITH PEOPLE who can help point out good books. Alone at kino is good sometimes, but not all the time! Alone at starbucks is good sometimes but feeling like a solipsist is only fun for a while. ♥

TABULA RASA [21 Oct 2009|11:02pm] Whitewashing my mind is harder than I thought; the dirt spots keep slowly showing through everytime I think I'm finally done. ♥

[19 Oct 2009|07:36pm] even when the ending is only the start  ♥

last night i dreamt of all of you [18 Oct 2009|05:47pm] Walking around Raffles City alone and lost then Shumin and Hsia turn up and we're supposed to meet for lunch but instead we go for a drink. I have the loveliest drink I've ever ever ever had- it's purple and deep pink- and I'm feeling the semi-buzz already (im so DrunG,kdear) but I'm more sober than when I'm not drunk and I'm sad, sad, sad. And we are talking but I don't remember what about. Then Di and Yer arrive and Yer is devastated about something his father? had said. I want more drinks and you're all not saying no to me. Dream shifts and I am walking through my blog entries like the stills of a film and there's a disproportionate number of them about _ and I feel like my heart has been opened up and hung up on display then I wake up and wonder if I really had that many drinks, because, goodness, think about the calories... 7kcal/g. ♥

[17 Oct 2009|05:41pm] Can't wait for 1pm on Monday, then maybe I will have a little time to check out the new MAC collection for real. And I am dying to watch the Hurt Locker and Pandorum but they aren't the sort of movies big groups will want to watch, you have to find likeminded friends for this sort. Inglourious Basterds is going out of cinemas already.. I'm online because I'm supposed to be checking out some stuff... clearly not MAC's website though... ♥

[15 Oct 2009|08:46pm] miss the times i used to go out alone on saturday buy poetry and read it alone. or spend hours at kino. everything is tainted by opportunity cost now... SR, LR, where should equilibrium be? tied down by information asymmetry. happiness smiles at me from my book cabinet, richard layard hung out to dry. ♥

before i die [12 Oct 2009|11:44pm] apple picking in an orchard in autumn giant ferris wheel at night city lights all night sunsets stars giant sequoia trees publish my book always the presence of an unnamed faceless complement with me. ♥

[08 Oct 2009|11:56pm] i wish you hadn't said you had to go offline. i would have told you why i am sad. it has nothing to do with work. i just want(ed) someone to talk to. ♥

[08 Oct 2009|10:54pm] There are many ways to phrase this. I had them all in my head. It just goes to show how much I romanticize my life. Everything is fiction to me, I want everything to be (a) novel. I hate it when I feel reality leadchaining my feet down I want to be too ethereal for you I want to rise out of the ashes have red hair be beautiful have beautiful live beautiful. What is this? Even my words won't come easy. Does she come easy, does she, does she? Do they come easy, go easy, do they? I had it more golden in my head when i was alone. I listened to Of Montreal's song- I cannot remember the title. It didn't sound the way I thought it would, it wasn't the way I should mythologize you.. Everything refuses to comply. Please refer to entry several months ago, about what hurts. _ says: how are you?  grace. says: i am grey concrete on a dusty semihot evening with lots of homework at the back of your mind _ says: ): grace. says: does that make sense? the feeling of it. neither happy nor sad hoho rather heavy and weary and wanting rain to clear the air again ♥

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