Sometimes I feel like I'm living in my own novel. I value the intensity of negative emotion as much as that of positive emotion. I may not necessarily like- but am appreciative of- the irony that comes to light as life continues to unfold, or the moments of tragicomedy. I am as much character as audience. I love this very much, even the moments when everything seems tinged with fatalism. Those are the special moments, and there are also the beautiful moments with people, or those alone, when you construct people at the periphery of your consciousness. Absence provides an excuse for the beautiful; beautiful is emotionally neutral.. or rather, it covers the spectrum of emotions we know. Do you know what hurts the most? What hurts the most is when you have inside of you a beautiful, beautiful emotion, or when all around you everything is heartbreakingly, gutwrenchingly beautiful, (the world a rippling water painting- never literally, it's always in the way you perceive it. This is why construction sites are beautiful to me, and why I love looking at cranes silhouetted against the sky.) and you have no way to share it with anyone. This is what hurts the most, because you feel like you're going to explode from all this beauty and you only have a special moment to share it, and you have to find that chance. But the door won't open and you can't find the entrance stone and all you can do is watch all this beauty kill you alone and as it does so, you know it gets more beautiful. It's what happens when you look into that person's eyes, whoever that person is, gender is of no consequence here, and you open your mouth to try to let them make sense of your world but the words fall out lifeless, dry and crabbed. And you can't tell if the heartbreak begins at their semi-puzzled, searching look as they try but fail to understand, or if it was always there because you always knew deep in the core of yourself that absolute understanding (on their part) is impossible. This is your Eden and your five senses are wide awake in this garden but when others try to enter it they are blind, deaf, dumb, mute, insensible to touch. This is why their souls can't feel what you want them to.